How we really grow resilience
TL;DR: Resilience isn’t fixed at birth. We build it by doing hard things a little bit at a time, and with the right support we can always put our shoes back on.
Here in the southern hemisphere, it’s that time of year where we bravely take off our shoes and face the realisation that our feet have not seen the light of day for many a winter’s month, and it shows. To the casual observer it’s the pedicure that’s gone the way of the dinosaurs, but a closer inspection (ew) would see that the soles of our feet have become sensitive through lack of use. Every barefoot walk is commentated with cries of “ow, ow, ow” as we make our way into the outside world.
Fast forward three months and we are walking confidently along the beach without complaint. What’s changed?
We didn’t get tough feet from staying indoors. On the other hand, we didn’t get tough feet from getting third degree burns on the first day. We got tough feet from doing hard things, a little bit at a time.
Is resilience something you’re born with?
Recently I had the privilege of sharing a Be Kind to Your Mind session with the amazing team at Kiwibank, and we discussed the concept that resilience is not just something we are born with, but can be grown and trained as a learned behaviour.
Sure, there’s some genetics in the mix (Amstadter et al., 2014), and some people are undoubtedly more inclined to resilience than others, but that doesn’t mean we can’t increase our chances. The American Psychological Association describes resilience not as a trait people either have or don’t, but as a process involving behaviours, thoughts and actions that anyone can learn and develop (APA, 2014). There are many ways to do this, so let’s examine one.
What is tolerable discomfort?
Doing hard things, a little bit at a time (known as tolerable discomfort), is the practice of strengthening the “skin” of our reactions and responses to difficulties by exposing them to the weather of life through small steps.
Why is it such an encouraging idea?
I find this concept so encouraging for a number of reasons:
We can get better at this. Rather than sit back and say, “I’m just not one of those people”, we can bravely move towards a greater ability to navigate life’s challenges.
We don’t have to do it all at once. Small steps, celebration of the process, supported learning - these are all ways we can increase our resilience while still getting on with everyday life.
We can always put our shoes on. Having support, backup and a positive team environment means we can head into the process knowing that learning to swim doesn’t have to involve drowning, any more than learning to walk on pebbles has to mean cut feet. Knowing our edges, our boundaries and our capacity is all part of the process.
How do you start building resilience?
If you, like me, are facing a big challenge and see soft spots in your resilience “skin”, I encourage you to do this:
Break the challenge before you into ridiculously small steps. Lay them out visually, on sticky notes or a big whiteboard, so your brain can clearly see what the next step is without being overwhelmed by the whole journey.
Pick a path of action that makes sense, and don’t be scared to rethink the path if it doesn’t work out straight away. Done is better than perfect, and sometimes we have to start the first steps before knowing exactly where the path leads.
Reflect. Take time each day to see where the points of friction arise, notice when you feel them, and celebrate the moments where you are able to move forward, especially when you know that in the past they may have sent you screaming for your shoes :)
What’s a pebble in your path today? What’s one small, tolerable step you could take this week towards your goal that will also grow your ability to take the next one?
Aroha nui.
Julia Grace | Be Kind to Your Mind
References
The science in this article draws on the following research and resources, because if I’m going to tell you how your brain works, I should probably be able to back it up.
American Psychological Association. (2014). The road to resilience. https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx
Amstadter, A. B., Myers, J. M., & Kendler, K. S. (2014). Psychiatric resilience: Longitudinal twin study. British Journal of Psychiatry, 205(4), 275-280. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.bp.113.130906