People sometimes say to me, "I want to be a Jelly Buddy, but I'm nervous. What if I say the wrong thing?"

If you haven't heard me talk about Jelly Buddies before, here's the summary. A Jelly Buddy is someone you have pre-arranged with to be there for you on your wobbly days. Not to fix you or to have all the answers, just to check in, hang out and, if need be, get help.

But here's what people can get stuck on - they're scared of saying the wrong thing.

Honestly? It's a valid concern, but I've got some great news.

Only 7% of our communication is about the actual words we say.

Science Spot 1: The 93% Rule

The other 93%? Tone of voice and body language. This comes from the research of psychologist Dr Mehrabian, and while the numbers are often oversimplified, the principle holds, especially when it comes to supporting someone who’s experiencing emotional distress. When our nervous system is under threat, we tune in to signals of safety from the people around us, not from what they say, but from how we feel when they are near.

So in real terms, what does that mean?

All we really need to do is turn up and make sympathetic noises.

Aww, Babe. Bro. Mate.

A few years ago, I had a super high anxiety spike. I'd stopped taking the medication I normally take (without medical advice, no less), and on top of that, received some really challenging news. The combination resulted in me, with a whole lot of support, needing to get all the tools out of the toolbox to help me recover.

The doctor, the counsellor, the family support, the prayers of my loved ones - all of these things helped bring me back into balance, and I'm so grateful for each and every person who helped me. This wasn't a problem that had a quick fix, and what really helped was support throughout the process.

Because my stressed-out brain was offline, I certainly wasn't in the market for advice, and to be honest, I can barely remember what anyone said. What I'll never forget is who turned up.

It may have been in person. It may have been online, or via a message, a card, or an act of kindness. The point is this: what they said doesn't matter. It was the intentional presence that made the difference.

Science Spot 2: Co-regulation

There's a concept in neuroscience called co-regulation. Our nervous systems don't operate in isolation, and when someone calm sits beside someone who is stressed out (dysregulated), the unsettled nervous system will actually begin to sync with the calmer one. You don't need a clever script or to have all the right words, your presence in the moment is doing the work. This is why a hand on the shoulder, a quiet statement like "I'm here," or simply sitting in the same room can shift someone's internal state.

Never underestimate the power of small kindnesses. You never know when showing up - however that may look - might be the thing that holds someone together on their hardest day.

You don't need the right words to be a Jelly Buddy. You just need to be there, one way or another. And if necessary, make sympathetic noises.

One Degree of Change:

Is there someone in your world right now who could do with a checkin? Send the message. Drop off the take-out coffee. Make the call or send the love. You don't need to fix anything, just remind them that they're not alone.

Who in your life has been a Jelly Buddy for you? Or who might need you to be one right now? I'd love to hear in the comments.

Aroha nui.

Julia Grace | Be Kind to Your Mind

References

Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton.

Mehrabian, A. (1971). Silent messages. Wadsworth.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.